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The schedule for the prestigious venue in the nation's capital highlights a playful dual-language production and an ad-libbed Shakespeare troupe. Notably absent from the public events is this week's Geopolitics World Cup draw, presumably because it is a exclusively closed-door affair. Organizers appear determined to avoid any uninvited guests from darkening the doorstep at what threatens to be an excessively long, self-aggrandizing ceremony where well-paid dignitaries will undoubtedly echo the old cliche that "soccer unites the world."

A Celebrity-Filled Hosting Team

A glamorous ceremony is scheduled to be emceed by television personality Heidi Klum alongside diminutive US standup comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Joining the star power will be American football legend Eli Manning on red-carpet details and actor Danny Ramirez as a roaming reporter. Together, they will oversee a production that will certainly have English football fans of a certain age missing the halcyon, pomp-free days of former managers, Sir Bert Millichip, the FA tombola and a trusty velvet bag of wooden, lottery balls.

Scheduled to last nearly three torturous hours, the event will include a lengthy agenda of lengthy speeches, saccharine video montages, pre-vetted gags, famous faces, performances from acts with perhaps little shame or financial motivations, and then... at last, the real World Cup draw.

Icons of Sport on Draw Duty

Included in those tasked with conducting the ceremony? NBA legend Shaquille O'Neal, hockey great Wayne Gretzky, NFL quarterback legend Tom Brady and baseball star Aaron Judge, all selecting numbered spheres under the watchful eye of ex-footballer Rio Ferdinand. Considering the considerable, untapped reservoir of charisma exhibited by these veteran sporting legends, barring an uniformed security team crashing the event, it's hard to imagine what could possibly go wrong.

In reality, not much, if the tone-deaf defence of FIFA's widely reported World Cup exorbitant ticket pricing mounted by an obsequious spokesperson is any kind of indicator. When asked if tickets should be more affordable for non-millionaires, the reply was non-committal. "In my view we have to be aware of that and I think FIFA are certainly an organization that are conscious of that," was the statement. "However, I think we can look at every industry, every sector, we could have that discussion about things," it was noted. The suggestion appeared that high prices are justified when compared with other luxury goods.

The Actual Draw

With 42 countries already secured a place for next year's jamboree and six more due to join, there will be a real feeling of excitement once the preliminaries conclude and the main draw gets under way. But as fans across the globe wait with bated breath to see which three nations their own country will face in the initial phase, the anticipation pales in comparison to that which comes before the reveal of the recipient of FIFA's first-ever award for peace for "individuals who help unite people in peace through unwavering commitment and notable actions." Considering the draw is in the US capital and the tournament is mostly in the United States, speculation about the recipient are widespread, even if the clues are apparent.

"I have no worries at the moment. I was in contact with the owner today. My relationship with him is very strong really. I have a truly transparent and frank relationship. So regarding my position in that sense I have completely no worries whatsoever" – comments from a coach whose side on a five-match winless run, providing a textbook remark likely to be revisited should changes occur down the line.

Audience Feedback

• "Further to the mention of a possible club named Kevin... there is an talented Brazilian winger named Kevin at Fulham who cost north of £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be persuaded to purchase a lower league club and bestow his name on it."
• "Going to local games in the 80s/90s, when the opponent was 'Keith', a common jest was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "My reading ceased after nine words. 'Comprised of'! What was the thought process? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as redundant as an additional referee."
• "Concern is growing ahead of FIFA's World Cup draw: just what catchy ditty will a famous group come up with if a political figure refuses to leave the stage, thereby necessitating an additional song?"