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For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a satisfying life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my private and professional life. It irritates my close ones and colleagues, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay concise and avoid going off-topic, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to reduce the frequent sorrys. I’ve learned that counseling might assist me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once helped us become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of helpful sessions is about self-awareness, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more helpful. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-assurance can grow from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of annoyance and nervousness.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This journey will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.